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Monday, June 1, 2009

I HATE MY THYROID - A Bumpy Ride In My Own Mind

I hate my thyroid! No I really do. Thanks to my thyroid I also hate my legs, my bum, my face, my arms, and I am depressed. Yep this is all thanks to my thyroid. I am not freakishly depressed, but I have these moods that just hit me and I have to drag myself out of them like I am crawling my way out of a grave. The type of grave that has roots to pull on, but no matter how hard I pull on those roots, I am still slip slip slipping into this grave kicking and screaming.

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Here is my quandry. I got married two years ago. Well a little over two years now. Two years and 12 days to be exact. The first year of marriage was bliss. Actually all of my marriage is bliss, but I am changing and it is pissing me off! When I got married I weighed 120 pounds. I now weigh 165. Seriously! It kills me to even say this. The nurse at the doctor's office said that since I had clothing on, it was probably more like 162. As if 162 is some sort of consolation to being 45 (I mean 42) pound larger than I was 2 years ago!!!! The other thing is. This did not happen in two years of marriage. This happened between my first anniversary and Christmas of this past year. Well at that point it was 152. So from May 20 to December 19 (that is when I saw my doctor) went from 120 to 152. That is 32 pounds in what, seven months? CRAPPITY CRAP CRAP CRAP! And from December 19 to March 30, I jumped up to 165!

My doctor put me on thyroid medication back in December and that moderately helped my depression. I still felt a total crash when I first went on it, and they upped my dose, but they don't want to up me too far, becaue then they will worry about my heart. So now I still feel depressed, but it doesn't hit me until the afternoon or I look at my now chubbed out belly!

This is compounded by the fact that as a teen and young adult in my 20s I was anorexic and a cutter. I would cause myself physical pain when I couldn't handle things emotionally. Now I look at myself and that disgusted litttle voice has reared its ugly head. It is really quite devastating, and I honestly do not know what to do. I know...I am whininig, but I am also opening up a pretty scary cloet right now. Watch out for my skeletons!

I can keep on decreasing my caloric intake, but my metabolism is whacked out because of my thyroid. I actually changed up my entire diet and ate egg whites, salads for lunch and lo-cal meals, but there was no change. I just got chubbier. I talked to my husband about joining a gym, but with our pay cuts right now I don't see that happening, plus time is really kind of rough around here. I mentioned to my husband that I wanted to get Wii and then Wii Active, because at least I could work out from home on my time (I sold all my gym equipment when I moved several years ago and now I have nothing and I can't get anything large, because we just do not have the room) and I got a beautiful bracelet for my anniversary. It is lovely, and I appreciate it soooo much, because my husband is really amazing and it was so dear and sweet, but I cried. Not in front of him, because I truly want what he chooses to express his love with. I am really happy he chose to give me something so pretty, but I just feel sooooo desperate to beat this impending obesity before I am large enough for The Biggest Loser, and let me tell you, I would do that show in a heart beat - but dang I hope I never actually qualify! If I keep it up though...it is going to happen.

You know what really sucks? I cried because my husband tells me that I am so beautiful, and I just want to scream "Look again buddy, because I just don't see it." I loved taking pictures with my family, of my family, and doing fun things, and now I hate it because all I see is fat. Okay...I think I need to stop because I am getting blue again. I don't want to take you all down with me. I have to think of some solutions.

I am sharing this, because it has moved first and foremost into my mind. I just had to get it out. I hope that my husband doesn't see it, because I don't want him to feel bad. Being blue has become a way of life for me for so long now, but I have to show a brave face to my husband. I just don't want to pull him into how I feel or make him see me in the way I see myself. I am really at the point of hating myself, but at the same time I know I am not defined by my weight. I also know that my hypothyroidism is making me depressed, making me gain weight, and it is clouding my perspective. Knowing that does not take the symptoms away though. :)

Okay...just had to share. I do not know what I am going to do yet

12 comments:

Tina Kubala said...

I understand exactly how you feel, although my numbers are higher on both the pre and post. I was perfectly happy with being a size 16/18, but this 22/24 stuff gets to me sometimes. I put on the weight during clinical depression and going on thyroid meds hasn't helped. Most days I just ignore it. I do the best I can to eat better and less, plus move more, with mixed results

I do know both of us are very lucky to have wonderful husbands who do really see us as beautiful. If nothing else, I know I'm not just a body to my husband,

kalea_kane said...

Thanks for commenting, Lisa. I know I am very lucky to have such a great husband. Now if I could just get my own mind off my back. :)

Anissa said...

Sweetie I feel so bad that you are blue! I know the weight is hard on you but be very thankful of the wonderful husband you have. I had the problem after my last baby -- but my husband stuck by me the whole way telling me he loved me and couldn't keep his hands off of me. I will keep you in my thoughts -- Hope you get to feeling better.
Hugs

kalea_kane said...

Thank you so much Anissa. I really appreciate it. You almost got me crying. :)

HUGS

Lindsey said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now! Just remember we all have seasons like this, and with a wonderful personality like yours and such a supportive family that loves you so much, you're going to get through it! I wish I could send you a Wii so bad. :-)

Praying for you!

Bingo said...

I feel your pain, seriously, as I am WAY past where you are and am lucky to have a wonderful husband for 36 years and am retiring in one week with one thing first and foremost on my mind....my health!...which equates to my weight. My problem would get me on the Biggest Loser and that isn't what I am here to share but rather to tell you this...you ARE a beautiful person as I can tell that in your writing and attitude...and the tiny pix I see once in a while. I understand where you are, as when I was about your age, they had to remove half my thryoid as there was a cyst that could have been cancer but thank GOd wasn't. So I MUST take thyroid pills all my life so that also makes it hard just like you say. However, I AM going to lose weight and I know it won't be fast but I am going to walk each day, even if I start by just going to the corner. As for the depression, has your doctor addressed that with any kind of medication as so many people are against it and maybe you might look into that for a time. BUT whatever you do, please do it for your health and know that this will pass and I bet I read your blog in two years when I am at a better weight and you are in one of your photos in your bikini! I believe in you and please remember as you get older, it isn't as easy or as fast but the weight will come off...move more, eat less---trust me as I have been on everything except gastric bypass!

ann marie said...

Hey check out Christian's site, He is giving away a Wii. It won't hurt to throw your name in there, but hurry it ends on thursday 6/4 at 11:59pm CST. Here's the link and good luck.

http://www.christianpf.com/wii/

I'm sorry that your thyroid is acting up :(

Dar said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so blue. It's very hard when an illness takes over your life and leaves you not only not understanding but being really frustrated and angry too. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis 4 yrs ago. At that time I weighed 125 lbs. Due to being in a lot of pain and not being able to do as much as I used to I'm now 165, maybe a bit more. I get where you're coming from. It's depressing. All I can say is take one day at a time and try to beat it. Take care of you. You're very lucky to have a good hubby. I wish I had that support. Anyhow, getting it all out there sometimes is really good medicine. I really do hope that they can get things under control for you so that you can start feeling more in control of things. Ok, wow, that was long. Sorry.

Gwendolyn B. said...

Wow! You are dealing with a lot right now. Sometimes it takes a few different tries to find the right medicine for a particular problem or set of problems. Keep at it. Seeing a nutritionist as well as your regular doctor might be beneficial as well. Sounds like you're surrounded by support, in both real and virtual life! You are one tough cookie, and I know you will beat this thing - look at all you have already accomplished! Accept the praise and support and keep moving forward. You ARE beautiful!

Janie said...

Kalea, what you need to do it jog on over to the thyroid patient-to-patient site called Stop the Thyroid Madness, which will explain why your depression is only moderately fixed and why the weight gain is such a problem. http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com

You are experiencing what millions of us have experienced and there IS a way out of the thyroid hole you are in.

Debbie said...

I know this is quite past when you posted this and I don't even know you, but out of pure frustration and I guess in part fear (Annual Dr. Appt tomorrow, can't wait for them to lecture me about gaining more weight) I typed in "I hate my thyroid" into google and up popped your blog.

I could have written your post. I am living almost exactly what you are, with the exception that I wasn't ever quite as thin as you to begin with, but I was happy with myself.

I avoid mirrors, accept to myself that I have to go out in public but just try to not look at myself, refuse to take pictures and if I do, I insist on seeing them before someone gets away from me with that camera.

Everyday is ridiculous and getting worse. Doctors think I am lying, I feel like crap, and those things in turn make me depressed. Where you were anorexic and a cutter, I was just a straight up fat/obsese kid and young adult. I lost over 100 pounds in a normal healthy way and maintained that weight loss for over 10 years. For the past 2 and a half years I have consistently gained weight, felt like crap and tried everything I could do. I eat nothing and gain weight, I get irritated and eat like a normal human and gain even more weight.

I wish I had a magic answer, but I really and truly understand your perspective. All I can say to you is the same thing I say to myself...it will get better.

Stacy said...

I know exactly how you feel about the thryoid problem. I was always active as a child and as a young adult even playing basketball in college. I realized around my third or fourth year of college that I was slowly gaining weight even though I was practicing about 3 or 4 hours a day. After finding out that my mother and other relatives had a thyroid problem we checked it out and sure enough it was the problem. I had already become depressed and had mood swings by this time and was really just ready to take my life into my own hands but finally there was a reason as to why I was gaining weight and feeling this way. I have gained about 40 lbs due to this whole thyroid problem. I'm so sorry you are experiencing the same problems with it but it is nice to know there are people going through the same things. Before I was diagnosed I had no idea about thyroid problems and what it could affect. Hopefully we can get back on track with our weight and beat it. Good luck in the future.